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You want to do away with it, but somehow are unable to
Have you found yourself wanting to ‘do away’ with certain traits of yourself? Felt like, ‘If I could just get rid of this in myself, my life would be so much better’!
Well, we’ve all been there, and probably still feel that about some part of ourselves. And, we’ve all just ended up being angrier and hateful of ourselves.
Well, often these traits that we want to ‘do away with’, are like those worn out, comfy clothes.
Confused? Let me explain this in the blog, and also share a few resources for tackling it.
Often we have clothes that are very comfortable to wear; sits well on us, and whenever we don’t want to choose, or are by ourselves, we inevitably pick that clothing, without much thought.
Slowly, it becomes tattered, goes out of trend, people start to point out how ugly it is now, and that we should discard it. We also realize after sometime that it probably is worn out; but out of habit, whenever we are in a hurry and don’t want to choose, we just pick it up, and wear it. Knowing that we will probably regret it and others will call us out on it.
It's something similar with these behaviors. We feel so aggressively towards it, and want to just rip it off of us, because we may see it causing disturbance in our relationships, or goals we want to achieve in life.
Logically speaking, yes we would want to do away with it, and we try controlling ourselves to not do those behaviors. We get so aggressive towards the behavior and ourselves about it.
What we also then don’t see in that anger, hurt and guilt towards the behavior, is that it is disruptive now, BUT it was something that helped us cope or ‘hold the fort’ for a very long time since.
It’s a disruption now, because since that phase of life, our skills, our experience and environment has changed. However that part of us, which is attuned to this behavior/trait as a reflex, didn’t get the memo! It still feels that in order to deal with the crisis at hand, this is what I have to do, to let my Self cope. At that time, you cannot be aware or control the behavior because it comes as a reflex, and your present self is really distraught, and in stress.
However, when we and our nervous system are out of the whirlwind of the stress, we see the damage this part’s behavior is doing, we are angrier and hateful towards it, whereas it was doing its best to protect & help us cope.
Well, I am not saying that there is no way out of it. What I have seen in my own life, and working with clients is that changing the intent from getting rid of it, to simply shift and move on from it, helps. Paying the part, the acknowledgement and gratitude for when it served us. Now, Hold on! I know it’s difficult to show it any compassion, let alone gratitude.
This is where various professionals come in..
Therapy can provide you a safe space and facilitate the process to get in touch with the part displaying the behavior, understand where it stems from, develop alternate resources so that we can shift/move on from them. Develop alternate resources that can aid us in the present times. We can move and shift from those behaviors and parts, when they are confident that we have an alternate resource and behavior to shift to. No part of ours would ever leave us completely unsafe or vulnerable in a known pattern or experience.
Similarly, along with therapy, other schools of healthcare & wellbeing can also support us to attend and move from the part.
I know it can feel overwhelming, and confusing to a large extent. However, if it resonated with you somewhere, somehow; if this is what you are facing and wanting to work on, reach out to me. We can traverse this path together with our combined knowledge and skills.
~ Purvi Balasaria,
Psychotherapist
+91 9080610825